Aries: 21 March-20 April
Expect good things in your future! A new romantic opportunity will arise, but only if you're vigilant enough to notice it. By this, we mean she's really short. Take the chance to push that creative project at work-- it will succeed if you believe in it! Failing that, threaten your boss with a manila envelope's worth of compromising photos. The ones with the sex toys and Miracle Whip.
Taurus: 21 April-21 May
Tauruses are often noted for strength in their convictions, and bull-headed attitudes toward life's problems. In your case this is not a compliment. Last week, you duct taped your nephew to the side of his kiddie pool so he wouldn't drown. In hindsight, you should have at least left him some food before you went home to watch the game. I hear they want to press charges.
Gemini: 22 May-22 June
All of the other Zodiac names are types of animals. You're named after a pair of twins, which are not so much an animal as they are an annoying set of people. Way to go. Expect some severely strained relationships with your parents this month, culminating in a shouting match in your living room while the TV's set to a muted The Price Is Right. Our favorite part is when, as Bob's asking you to spay and neuter your pets, your Dad shouts the line: "Well it's not my fault I've got a gutless meth addict son! I fucking took you to all those soccer games!"
Cancer: 23 June- 23 July
We astrologists are always fond of irony. That being said, we don't want to ruin the surprise, but guess what terminal disease you'll be diagnosed with before the week's over. (Hint: It's not lupus!)
Leo: 24 July-23 August
I said to her, if Frank comes into the office spouting that feel-good complacent bullshit today, I'm gonna fucking maul him. She laughed, but just then Frank strolled in with a big shit-eating grin, and said "Hey everybody, workin hard or hardly workin?" and I stabbed him right then and there in the jugular. There was blood everywhere, and I lost a good letter-opener, but it was worth it just to take a polaroid of me standing over his spent body. Donate that to the United Way, shitkicker.
Virgo: 24 August-23 September
You're not getting any this month, either. You had a shot with that cute clerk at Blockbuster, but ruined it when he saw you renting How Stella Got Her Groove Back Pt. II: She Done Lost it Again.
Libra: 24 September-23 October
Interestingly enough, the cable company puts you in a special file when you request both Cartoon Network and the Spice Channel.
Scorpio: 24 October-22 November
Did you see that 9th inning comeback last night?! Right, so they put in Okajima to relieve, but then, because it was interleague play, they had to bat him in the bottom half of the inning. And you won't believe this, but he pulls a bunt single up the first base line to score Lowell from 3rd! Also, your wife is leaving you.
Sagittarius: 23 November-22 December
Selling acid was a bad idea. Selling it to a cop was a worse one.
Capricorn: 23 December-19 January
We know how much you love adding levity to corporate bureaucracy, but if you want that promotion to VP of Marketing, do not repeat last year's mistake. Where you got turned down for playing "I've got your nose!" with one of the senior executives.
Aquarius: 20 January-19 February
More is not necessarily better. Though two lesbian parents can provide a loving, nurturing environment, you're heading towards getting your boy an awful schoolyard nickname: That kid with 5 moms.
Pisces: 20 February-20 March
Have you seen the movie Castaway? That's roughly how the rest of your month goes.
